Free Jokes Funny Audio and Videos

“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.

And FINALLY… (While shopping) “I like that one better.” = Just pick ANY
dress and let’s go home!

What do you call a sorority girl’s waterbed?

Lake Placid.

Bill was chuckling at the bar when his friend Mike joined him. “Women, they
think they’re so smart,” he said with a sly smile, going on to explain that he’d
eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee, Lynn and her best
friend. “Amy,” she said, “Bill doesn’t know it yet, but the only time I’m
putting out is when I want to get pregnant.”

“Why get mad?” answered Bill. “She’ll never know I’ve had a vasectomy!”

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The
morning following a bad storm, a new guy (homer) washes up on the shore. Homer
and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain
protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see
homer there.
“Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the
watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

1) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s about to
leave you.
2) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
3) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
4) One mood, all the time
5) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
6) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just
too seedy.
7) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
9) Same work…more pay!
10) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

1) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the
mood.
2) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
3) If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or
throw it across the room.
4) New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
5) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
6) You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
7) Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything
different?”
9) Bay watch
10) There’s always a game on somewhere.

1) Bachelor parties whom butt over bridle showers.
2) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
3) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
4) You needn’t pretend you’re “Freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
5) If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your
other friends you’ve changed.
6) Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
7) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw it”. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong buddies.
9) Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
10) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

1) You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
2) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
3) You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.
4) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in
15 tries, at least in theory.
5) You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
6) If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
7) The remote control is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
9) ESPN’s Sports Center.
10) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

1) When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot
of somebody crying.
2) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
3) All your orgasms are real.
4) A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.
5) Guy in hockey masks doesn’t attack you (unless you smash ‘em into the
boards).
6) You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
7) You understand why Stripes is funny. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
9) Your last name stays put.
10) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

1) Foreplay is optional.
2) Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
3) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
4) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
5) You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s coming by.
6) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
7) Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don’t give a rat’s butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
9) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking
He must be mad at me.
10) The world is your urinal.