My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought
a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a
note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
A man is at work one day when he notices that his male
coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally
conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
“Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob
sheepishly. “Really? How long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife
found it in our bed.”
A Barber committed a crime, and had to go before a judge. Since it was his
first time the Judge only gave him a community service in his own field.
He must give free hair cuts for one month, and every time a customer asks how
much for the hair cut, he has to explain his crime, and that this is his
community service.
Anyway, he was happy, because anything beats the jail.
First day he gave a hair cut to a Florist, the florist asked, how much at the
end, he replied, oh nothing…….explained the Judge’s order.
Next day when he came to open the shop, there was a bouquet of flowers and a
thank you card.
That day a person came who owned a chocolate shop, after the hair cut he too
asked, how much? The barber said oh no charge because…….. Judge’s order.
Next day when he came to open his shop, he saw a box of chocolate and a thank
you card, that day he gave a hair cut to an East Indian, The East Indian asked
how much? The barber said nothing because…….. Judge’s Order.
Next day when he came to open the shop there was a line of East Indians
waiting to get a hair cut.
Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on iron-poor blood,
lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting,
yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is
really worth living.
But now I find out, tain’t that. I’m tired because I’m
overworked.
The population of this country is 200 million. Eighty-four million are
retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work.
There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do the work. Of
this total, there are 22 million employed by the government.
That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the
work. You and me. And you’re sitting there reading this. No wonder I’m tired.
01. I can see your point, but you’re still full of crap.
02. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronouce.
03. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isn’t and office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said “Panty
stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.”
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she
gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation. “Diesel fitter”, he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.
When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his
friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained: “When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled
laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.”
Skill!…”What skill?” yelled Sven.
“I sew the elastic on…
He pulls on it and says,…..”Yep, diesel fitter”.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a
bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then
sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report
on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,”
reported Johnnie.
“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed
one….
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot
himself!”
MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and pretty.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room she said, “Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks
door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw
his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked,
“By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a
soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary who was quite witty said, “Why no Mr. Smith.
All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”
The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a
basket of cookies.
She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.
As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said,
“Take all you want, God’s watching the apples”!
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to
McDonald’s in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
