ByeBoring Jokes, Funny Audio and Videos

We are entering Iraq to free a people, and the only flag
that will be flown in that ancient land is their own. Don’t
treat them as refugees, for they are in their own country.
If there are casualties of war, then remember, when they
woke up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to
die this day. Allow them dignity in death. Bury them
properly and mark their graves. You will be shunned unless
your conduct is of the highest, for your deeds will follow
you down history. Iraq is steeped in history. It is the
site of the Garden of Eden, of the Great Flood and the
birth of Abraham. Tread lightly there.”

The US speech :

“When the president says ‘Go’, look out - it’s hammer time”

(followed by “We Will Rock You” at high volume)

Fifty-three legislators from the Texas House of
Representatives bolted for the Oklahoma state line to
prevent a vote that would redraw voting districts to favor
the Republican House Majority.

Speaker of the house Tom Craddick broke the news,
saying, “we have found 40-plus members located in Ardmore,
Oklahoma, they are staying at the Holiday Inn, at the
present time, five minutes ago they were having dinner at
Denny’s, for those of you who might be interested in that.”
Divisions in the Democratic ranks appeared at Denny’s,
where representatives were deadlocked over the issue of
whether or not the “Moons Over My Hammy” is delicious.

VIOLENT DRILL TEAM

A nationwide bio-terrorism drill was kicked off in Seattle
last week, as a mock explosion of a dirty bomb tested the
preparedness of firefighters, police, and other emergency
workers.

The Seattle drill is said to have run smoothly until news
of the wartime re-enactment reached a group of nearby Civil
War buffs, who excitedly set up a basecamp and attempted to
saw off victims’ legs.

According to Seattle mayor Greg Nickels, such an event is
crucial to national security because, quote, “homeland
security really begins at home.” Nickels is actually
speaking literally. Homeland security really does begin at
his home as Tom Ridge is crashing on his couch for a couple
of days.

BLAIRLY LEGAL

The New York Times recently printed an exhaustive front-
page story flagellating itself for the deceptions of a
Times reporter, Jayson Blair, while also providing the
first evidence we’ve seen in years that newspapers have any
sense of shame.

Blair was discovered to have falsified and plagiarized
dozens of stories for the Times. One glaring example of
Blair’s deception were his vivid bedside descriptions of
wounded Marines at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center. The
hitch is, he was never there but interviewed them by phone.
This fact should have been more apparent when he relied on
one heavily sedated Marine’s description of the other as “a
quiet purple centaur with TV coming from his mouth.”

Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever covertly
capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital, and have
surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.

Then we return “her” to Afghanistan to live as a woman
under the Taliban.

What a man says, what he really means…

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be
a sign from God! ”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another
miracle…. My car is completely ruined but this bottle of
wine didn’t break. It’s a sign that God wants us to drink
this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she handed
the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle
and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back
on, and handed it back to the man.

“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close
right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look
like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t
think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to
the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the
steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware
written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough
of you. I’m going to the bar!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He
starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and
decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the
house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters
the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to
get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey,
how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I
told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had
to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

“Why didn’t you give this seat away to a friend?” I asked.

He replied, “Because they are all at her funeral.”

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one
is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as
a public service, each question is analyzed below, along
with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper
answer to this, of course, is: ” I’m sorry if I’ve been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are,
and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response
obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf.
c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by
Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what
I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response
is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That
depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e.
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an
emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn’t
call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin. c. A little
extra weight looks good on you. d. I’ve seen fatter. e.
Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once
again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better
personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not
as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e.
Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-
win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus
and a Boat”).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don’t you like being married? MAN: Of
course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN:
Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a
hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN:
Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would
we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and
replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem
like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her
use my golf clubs? MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-
handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - .

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t
say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horses
dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer
turned to her and said, “That’s once.”