Free Jokes Funny Audio and Videos

* Have you ever made it with a “crooked” politician?

* No, that’s not a boomerang in my pocket.

* Do you want to be an intern and “serve” under me?

* Hillary might be the First Lady, but you certainly wont be the last.

* Come with me to the Oval Office, I have a “position” in mind for you.

* I enjoy puttin’ “Big Macs” in my mouth…what about you?

* Are you from Baghdad? Because you’ve got a great “I-RACK.”

* Honey, you stimulate my economic package.

* Uses too much teeth.

* Stays late, comes early.

* Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.

* Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.

* Frequently complains of jaw pain.

* Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.

* “In box” is always clean and shiny.

* Tends to blab on the telephone.

* This intern may suck, but she doesn’t inhale.

* Investment in Rush Limbaugh’s radio show paying off big time!

* Al Gore not finished washing stains out of oval office carpet.

* Two more annual “Vodka Hummer” weekends already scheduled with Boris
Yeltsin.

* Free Adult Cable at the White House.

* Just spent $350.00 on “Seasons Greetings from the White House” holiday
cards.

* Bimbo access tunnel beneath White House just nearing completion.

* Needs more time to remove smut from White House Personal Computer.

* Approval rating still soaring high (according to the latest correctional
facility polls).

“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” Washington, slapping Osama
in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty,
so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says “This is why I allowed the Federal
government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on
Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people
who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground,
Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be
judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams -
“this is not what I was promised!”

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked
dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House,
fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom
like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got
it? Good.

Six years ago, there’s not a man, woman, or child who didn’t know I Was as
horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good
move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and
part-time resident of some place called “Kennebunkport.” There was Reagan, who
left the office with the same Alzheimer’s he came in with. There was Carter
before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time
like his lithium drip had just kicked in.

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of
‘plausible deniability,’ and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin (instead
of San Clemente) for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred,
power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent
Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn’t hang around
long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
“beaver-wrestling” shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White
House. Which brings me back to my point…

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House government is
doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a
one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn’t seem to care about,
evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of
dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell
‘internet’ has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat,
instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I’m running a
country here and I’m doing it with my pecker showing.

What I’m asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter…unless,
of course, she’s a hotty with thin ankles, and then I’d like to discuss it. In
the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you’re
living before you get too interested in where I’m parking the Presidential
limousine.

Out of curiosity, Joe asked ”AL, I see you’re a beer drinker, I am too! you
see, we DO have something in common”

With a condescending voice, Al quipped, ” yes, of course we do Joe”

Joe then asked ” Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash”

Al gladly told Joe about his new program. ” Joe, since last month, I have
decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the
same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer
and put the can in this box”

”That’s really impressive”, Joe replied, ”only 5 beer cans in a whole
month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from”?

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
– J. DanforthQuayle

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
–Vice President Dan Quayle

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful. How true that is.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this
century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this
century.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -
but that could change.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that
one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

“May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.”
– The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,though.]

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.”
— VicePresident Dan Quayle

“I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the
Future.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“The future will be better tomorrow.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“Public speaking is very easy.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Vice President Dan
Quayle

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the
killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the
riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers
are to blame.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

“Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a
job next year.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
–Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle
may or may not make.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle

I’m here to ask
As you’ll soon see –
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there–
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far –
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are –
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more –
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public’s easy
To distract –
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!