Free Jokes Funny Audio and Videos

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That
wouldn’t have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back
pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk
though, that he didn’t even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress.
Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough,
he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as
best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was
hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.

Just then, his wife entered the room and said, “Well, it looks like you
really tied one on last night. Where were you?”

“I worked late, dear,” he replied, meekly, “and went out for a couple of
beer.”

“A couple of beer? That’s a good one,” she snapped. “You got plastered! Where
did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?” he asked.

The one drunk offers this advice: “explain to your wife that some other drunk
puked on you. put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk
was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned.”

“Sound like a great idea,” says the crying drunk.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him
about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, “look for you, there’s ten bucks
in my pocket.”

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. “wait a minute, i
thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you,” says the wife.

“you could say that,” the guy replied.

“it usually doesn’t work, you know.”

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: “Come on man, I was just joking.
Tell ya what; I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man
crying.”

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

“What happened last night, son?” Sam asks.

His son replies, “Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Sam asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber,
the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.

One says to the other, “jeez, i’d really like to dance with that
girl.”

The other man replies, “well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken
s***.”

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “excuse me. would you
be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “i’m sorry. right now i’m
contemplating on matrimony, and i’d rather sit than dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend
“so what did she say?” asks the friend.

All of a sudden an old man’s face appeared on the passenger side and tapped
lightly on the window. The passenger screamed out, “eeeeekkk! Look at my
window!!! There’s an
old guy’s face there!” (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)”

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, “Well open the window a little
and ask him what he wants!”

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his
wits, “What do you want???”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, “He wants tobacco!”

“Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!” the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and
yells, “Step on it!!!” rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing
again, and the passenger says, “Dude! what do
you think of that?”

The driver says, “Man, I don’t know? How could that be? I’m going pretty
fast?”

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is
the old man again. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!” the passenger
yells.”

“Well see what he wants now!” yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window
then yells, “STEP ON IT!”

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to
forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is
MORE knocking!

“Oh my God! HE’S BACK!” He rolls down the window and screams out, “WHAT DO YOU
WANT?” in stark fear.