A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother
asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”
“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”
“That’s a nice, but it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”
“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”
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TrackbackA little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the
park. Her mother was touched by the child’s kindness. “There you are, my dear,
but, tell me, isn’t the lady able to work any more?”
“Oh yes,” came the reply. “She sells sweets!”
Comments rss TrackbackOne day a little girl came running into her house yelling, “Mommy, I got five
dollars!” The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ”Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: “Don’t you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties.”
”OOOOhhhh” said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, “Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, “Where did you get the ten dollars from?”
The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed.”
The mother replied: “Didn’t I tell you that he is…”
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ”Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn’t wear any panties today.”
Comments rss TrackbackA certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Hudson’s
daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, “I’m Jane
Hudson.” The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, “Aren’t you Mr.
Hudson’s daughter?” She replied, “Well, I thought I was, but mother says I’m
not.”
Comments rss TrackbackWe had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.
Very early the next morning, our 3 1/2 -year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us
up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back. “Mommy! Mommy!” he exclaimed,
“everybody has doorbells - and they all work!”
Comments rss TrackbackThe child was a typical four-year-old girl — cute, inquisitive, bright as a
new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage,
her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images
would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional etc.
“Now do you understand?” he asked.
“I think so,” she said, “…is that when mommy came to work for us?”
Comments rss TrackbackMy two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our
lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and
shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the
woods.
“Listen to me!” his mother said sharply, “From now on when you want to
go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?”
Matthew thought about that for a moment and said: “Okay, Disney World.”
Comments rss TrackbackLittle Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt
nauseous.
“Mom, I think I’m going to throw up!”
She told him, “I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the
lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody
will see you.”
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he
returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his
young face.
“Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?”
“I didn’t have to go that far, mom.
Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK.”
Comments rss TrackbackNo matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma’s lap.
Comments rss TrackbackPeople are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets
is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the
new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the
formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to
consult your doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck!!!
DAY ONE:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow
(any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it
on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar. Once
cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.
Comments rss TrackbackIt is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and
will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!”
Johnny: “BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?”
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