Free Jokes Funny Audio and Videos

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and
will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!”

Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”

“Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best” friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules
didn’t matter.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn’t an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people” rides at
the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”

Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.

No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.

“Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they
should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, “We might as well. We need to do something before I really
lose my temper!”

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them
individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat
the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself
in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What
happened?”

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of
the boys came out and told her that he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no
choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their
armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up in this manner, she couldn’t help but notice that he was
unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.

Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, “Well, honey, my secretary
is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn’t believe, she knows the
computer system and is very efficient.”

The nine-year-old replies, “Nope, not for my mom.” Without thinking, the
cashier responded, “Well, they must be for your sister then?” The nine-year-old
responded, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious. “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your
sister — then who are they for?”

The nine-year old say, “They’re for my four-year-old little brother.” The
cashier is surprised: “Your four year-old-brother?”

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up,
pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

“There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with
their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.”

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in
it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him seeing them. When they
can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are
dollars.”

“My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody
cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some
of the people are so retarded that they don’t know how to cook at all, so my
Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it ‘pot
luck’.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s
in our bathroom!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.