ByeBoring Jokes, Funny Audio and Videos

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What’s that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs
itself as ‘Fiancee 1.0′. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a
real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running
before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further
consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash
2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional
plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is
no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was
discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported
similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid
the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend
5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all
traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting
installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks
(usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep)
to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently
has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the
upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:
* A ‘Don’t remind me again’ button
* Minimize button
* Shutdown feature
* An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled
if necessary (so you don’t lose cache and other objects) .
Unfortunately, since I’ve already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don’t think I will
be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to
include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft
of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same
system — most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which
starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all
versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes
all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will
refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these
new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I’m sticking
with Dog 1.0k9. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs
are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can’t fool me,
Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don’t bite any.

I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around
the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We
went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest
beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95
years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering
every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this
awful creature.
Willie replied: “Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of
sins, and now I’m chained to this realy ugly old thing as penance.”
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we
met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to
another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the
first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: “Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number
of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as
penance.”
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates
just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and
sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs,
and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other
like that.
The woman answered first: “When I used to live on Earth, I committed a
number of sins…”

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don’t know my father.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,
what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears
some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally
locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that
reads:
Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with
him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time
it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played
backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the
next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They
are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the
graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if
he has an explanation for the music.
“Don’t you get it?” the caretaker says incredulously.

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g.,
“Steady as she goes”, or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”). Recently, a
group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be
referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If
you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.