Free Jokes Funny Audio and Videos

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture… of handcuffs.The motorist promptly
sent the money for the fine.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy
that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the
car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said “Because
I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the
robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he
put the scotch in the bag.The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The
cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber
that he got off the license.They arrested the robber two hours later.

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the
needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to If at first you don’t
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their
level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is:
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. (Project
Management at its best).

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm
spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he
began to think about God.
“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy?
What can I do for you?”
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to
you?”
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded
in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”
“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”
“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous… can I have one
of your pennies?”
God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best
friend. They … for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there,
the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her
lover looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation…
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)”Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you
called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time
he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
Let’s meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a
job.
Marital status: Often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.