ByeBoring Jokes, Funny Audio and Videos

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

For women - Helpful info.
For men - For the woman in your life.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your
mammogram.

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day’s
activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his
actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good
moral side and that of his mischievous side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says
“don’t worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients.” The man
tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says “don’t worry
about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients.” Feeling somewhat
relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time
another voice in head says, “but you’re a veterinarian.”

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.”How are you grandpa?
he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup
of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it.
I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing,”he says, “I’m told
you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be
true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of
hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he
noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in
the whole event. The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s four years old and I’m
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun.
I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son,
do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he
hit that cow?”

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the
doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination” said the young girl.
“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes
off.”
“No, not me” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.”
“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, please stick out your tongue.”

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to
a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and
her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what
you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

For year’s years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.”

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt…
I’d like to get his balls in there,
For months he’d go “WITHOUT”!!

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted
the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey . .
. . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute.”
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working
on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy
doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts,
and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big
bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?”
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris . . . “Try
doing your work with the engine running.”

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his
bed. and it rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve
found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called ‘G.A.S.H.’ It’s a
combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!”
“Oh, my gosh,” cried the man, “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me???” asked the man.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but….they’re the only foods we can get under
the door.”