Free Jokes Funny Audio and Videos

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his
bed. and it rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve
found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called ‘G.A.S.H.’ It’s a
combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!”
“Oh, my gosh,” cried the man, “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me???” asked the man.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but….they’re the only foods we can get under
the door.”

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so
please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one
will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had
no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, super size
please.”
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store
misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “thumbtacks.”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you
pound in with a hammer?”

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was
a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head
nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and
announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral
thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have
to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a
carnation anyway.”

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an
attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight
Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington
Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238
the man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
The man responded, “Ten pounds.”
The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card
number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a
beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating,
“If you catch me, you can have me.”
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through
the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he
did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into
the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He did just that and was amazed to find that
he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
“How much weight do you want to lose?”–to which the somewhat-less-overweight
man replied, “Twenty pounds.” “Very well,” the voice on the phone told him,
“Give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your
house in the morning.”
“At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When
he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a
sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The chase took
a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did
catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20
pounds!
“This is fantastic!” he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end
asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?” “Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed.
“Fifty pounds?” the voice asked, “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time.” The man replied, “Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just
have your representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At
about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this
large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, “If I catch you, I am going
to have you.”

an extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of
which had left his system extremely upset. upon making several false-alarm trips
to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. unfortunately
for him, this wasn’t a false alarm and he soiled his bed linens terribly. he was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. losing his presence of mind,
he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
window.
a drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. he started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in
a tangled pile at his feet.
as the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “what
the hell was that all about?”
still staring down, the drunk replied: “i think i just beat the s*** out of a
ghost!”

This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he
said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m
going to get a tetanus shot.”

This old lady walks into the Doctor’s office and says,
“Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with
farting. It’s not really a social problem, because you can’t smell it or hear
it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.” The Doctor nods his
head and says, “Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all
gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.” The old lady comes back 2 weeks
later and is angry. She says “What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You
still can’t hear them, but now they smell horrible!” The Doctor again nods his
head and says, “Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let’s work on
your hearing.”

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can
do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by
inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tell him to bend over
and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in
six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, put one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other
shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, “Arrgghhhh!”
“What’s the matter?” asked the wife, “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he
had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After
trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family
doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”
He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left
ear”.
“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”
“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself
suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a
tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her
strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every
day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.
Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you
feel?”
“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started
this treatment! I can’t thank you enough.And, by the way you have a lovely
home.”