ByeBoring Jokes, Funny Audio and Videos

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he
announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those
people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I
may have to kiss tomorrow.

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s
bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s
the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, ‘SCREW him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was
my idea.”

Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter
word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: “Oops!”

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a
computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short
time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign,
looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office
manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager
said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog
jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then
jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The
sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and
went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program
that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t
give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put
his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual”.
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow.”

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the
other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took
the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said,
“I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the physician, “I’ll
get it for you.” While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the
physician’s shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other
attorney said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the
physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney
picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat
back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this
go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This
animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more
consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring
effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to
all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices,
which can only be activated to open at the
sound of a person’s voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management
with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.

6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred
while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from
opening.

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the new recruit replied.
“Well, then, that makes everything just fine … ” the boss went on.
“After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she
stopped in to see you.”

I have found out the real reason why I’m tired, because I’m overworked! The
population of this country is 237 million: 104 million are retired. That leaves
133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the armed
forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the
14,800,000 people who work for the city and state government and that leaves
200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 people in hospitals so that leaves
12,000 to do the work. Now there are 11,998 people in prison. That leaves 2
people to do the work, You and Me…
AND YOU’RE SITTING THERE SCREWING AROUND ON MY JOKE PAGE!

a man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. there was one
lady in front of him. she ordered a chocolate cone.
the soda-jerk told her he’s sorry but they have run out of chocolate. she
said, “ok, then i’ll have some chocolate.”
he told her, “lady, i’m out of chocolate.”
once again she said, “ok, i’ll just have some chocolate.”
exasperated, he said, “lady, spell van as in vanilla.”
she spelled van.
he said, “good, now spell straw as in strawberry.”
she spelled straw.
he said, “good, now spell f*** as in chocolate.”
the lady said, “there is no f*** in chocolate.”
he replied, “that’s what i’m trying to tell you.”

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:00 pm
when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. “I just need one copy.”