Free Jokes Funny Audio and Videos

A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:00 pm
when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. “I just need one copy.”

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at
Yale’s Research Center. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have
one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant
vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him
and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most
popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another
one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He
discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun
of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on
auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in
the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to
the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the
lion’s cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a
raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his
salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the
lion’s cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, “Help! Help me!”
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds him flat on his back
looking up at the angry lion. The lion says, “Shut up, you idiot, or we’ll both
lose our jobs!”

“Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shortly!”

My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from “Josh” at the bank
regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh’s
last name was and I explained that he hadn’t left his last name.

“Sorry,” she replied, “we’re not allowed to give last names.”

Tony, a college professor and a wealthy investor walked into a bank and said
to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr.Reginald Jones, who I
understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”

The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon
as we catch him.”

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real
life examples:

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to
complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in
accounting.”
“Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”
“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
“I am a rabid typist.”
“Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a
gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”
“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business.”
“Proven ability to track down and correct errors.”
“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely
no one.”
“References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
“Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously; they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”
“I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voicemail.”
“Qualifications: No education or experience.”
“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
“Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”

Over the past several months, my company has shorted my paychecks several
times, anywhere from $75 to $300. Each time this has happened, the payroll
department made me wait two weeks before they corrected the error.

Last payday the situation reversed. Everyone with direct deposit was paid
twice. I quickly withdrew every dollar from my bank account before the mistake
could be corrected. When payroll called about the mistake, I grinned from ear to
ear. I said, “Yes, I noticed the mistake. I will correct it in two weeks.”

The famous female Olympic skier Picabo Street (Peek-A-Boo) is not just an
athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a
large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too
much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo,ICU.”

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window
and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?”

“No guessing required” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although
nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give
me back my dog”.