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A woman went to her doctor for advice . . .
. . . She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for
anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?”
She said that she did.
He asked, “Does it hurt you?” She said no.
The Doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t
practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get
pregnant.” The woman was mystified.
She asked, “You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
The Doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think democratic politicians come
from?”

Education in Texas has improved greatly under the George W. Bush
administration. Now, 60% of Texas 6th graders read at a higher level than the
Governor. Under Governor Ann Richards, few if any achieved these levels of
literacy.

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, “What’s politics?”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future
stinks to high heaven.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their
teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with
the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because
I’m not a liberal Democrat.”
Then, asks the teacher, what are you? “Why I’m a proud conservative
Republican.”, boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy
why she is a conservative Republican.
“Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive
government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are
conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your
Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be a liberal Democrat.”

In olden times, it could be decades before major events were cast in verse.
But The Great 2000 Election Controversy is so big that a bunch of all-star poets
have come out of retirement to quickly set the story to rhyme.

Edgar Allan Poe is his usual gloomy self:
Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary
O’er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore
While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core
“‘Tis a mess here,” we all muttered, as the network anchors stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the core?
Quoth the ravers, “Nevermore.”
Britain’s Edward Lear’s limerick is lighter:
There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection -
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.
Ditto Ogden Nash:
I regret to admit that all my knowledge
Is what I learned at Electoral Colleges,
So tell me please, though I hate to troubya,
Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?
Joyce Kilmer’s a media analyst:
I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.
Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:
O’Captain! My Captain!
Our fearful trip’s not done
The ship has weather’d every rack,
But nobody knows who’s won.
Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:
And still of an autumn night they say, with the White House on the line,
When the campaign’s a ghostly galleon and both candidates cry “Tis mine!”
When the road is a ribbon of ballots, all within easy reach,
A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding,
A highwayman comes riding, and punches two holes in each.
Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:
I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card-by-card
I will not ’cause it’s way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers.
I’ll leave the country in a jam -
I can’t count ballots, Sam-I-Am.
“Clement Moore” adopts a holiday theme:
‘Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.
Which leaves the problem.
Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are so raucous is to start over
again, with the Iowa caucuses!

FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of
the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17, 311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!

PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice.
PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the “duh” in Florida.
Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping
troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled North American
nation as it struggles to establish democracy.
“We must do all we can to support free elections in America and allow
democracy to gain a foothold there,” Kostunica said. “The U.S. is a major player
in the Western Hemisphere and its continued stability is vital to Serbian
interests in that region.”
Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is refusing to
recognize the nation’s Nov. 7 election results, to “let the democratic process
take its course.” “Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the will of the people and
concede that he has lost this election,” Kostunica said. “Until America’s
political figures learn to respect the institutions that have been put in place,
the nation will never be a true democracy.”
Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an emphasis on
certain trouble zones. Among them are Oregon, Florida, and eastern Tennessee,
where Gore set up headquarters in Bush territory. An additional 10,000 troops
are expected to arrive in the capital city of Washington, D.C. by Friday.
Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule out
the possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved soon. “For
democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the rich soil of
liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections free of tampering or
corruption,” Kostunica said. “Should America prove itself incapable of learning
this lesson on its own, the international community may be forced to take
stronger measures.”

You put your stylus in,
You put your stylus out,
You put your stylus in,
And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That’s what it’s all about!
You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That’s what it’s all about!
You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That’s what it’s all about!
You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That’s what it’s all about!

VP Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy . . .
. . . on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says,
“What’s in the box kid?”
To which the little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”
Al Gore laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”
“Democrats,” the child says.
“Oh that’s cute,” Al says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies
the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, “You gotta check this
out” and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al says, “Look in the box Bill, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens.
Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.”
The boy replies, “They’re Republicans.”
“Whoa!”, Al says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were
Democrats. What’s up?”
“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now.”

Al Gore thought it would be a good idea . . .
. . . if he could get a better feel for the top job by leaving the VP’s
residence and spending the remaining nights of the campaign as Mr. Clinton’s
special guest at the White House. Mr. Gore was directed as all guests are, to
the Lincoln Bedroom.
On the first night he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost….
“George…what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Gore asked.
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.
With all the excitement, Gore couldn’t sleep well and the next night the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing
I could do to help the country?” Gore asked.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” advised Jefferson.
Gore still couldn’t sleep well and the next night he saw another figure moving
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I
could do to help the country?”, Gore asked.

Abe replied, “Go to the theater!”