Jan 30
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer
said he would teach him how to sell things. “Watch how I do it” he said to the
new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said
to him “You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you’re
going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass.” “You know,” said the man, “I
do need to get a new mower, sure I’ll take one.”
After the customer left, the new kid said, “I think I see what you mean. Let
me handle this next one.” A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a
box of tampons. The young salesman then said, “You know you should get you a new
lawnmower to go with that.”
The man then asked the young salesman, “What are you talking about?” “Well,”
he said, “It looks like your weekend’s shot so you might as well cut the
grass!”
Jan 30
Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a
noise downstairs. “Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?”
“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk; he isn’t going to notice
you here with me.” The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Marge’s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers
over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
“Honey!” he yelled. “What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of
the bed!”
“Dear, you’re so drunk, you can’t count. If you don’t believe me, count them
again.”
The husband got out of bed, and counted. “One, two, three, and
four… By gosh, you’re right, dear!”
Jan 30
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner,
she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on
in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with
his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had
no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!”
Jan 30
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up
a picture of a cat. “What animal is this?” she asked.
“A cat!” said Eddie.
“Good job! Now, what is this animal?”
“A dog!” said Eddie.
“Good! Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what
your mom calls your dad.”
“A horny bastard,” called out Eddie.
Jan 30
Run Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same
day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They
start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on
one condition — they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Run Paul says, “I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with
them.”
Bill Gates says, “I really love money, but I will give up all the
money I have.”
Ebert says.” I really love food, but I’ll give up pizza.”
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street
feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a Pizzeria. He smells the aroma and
can’t help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He
disappears.
Run Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won’t
happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a
shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company
and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and
POOF! Run Paul disappears.
Jan 30
This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he
said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m
going to get a tetanus shot.”
Jan 30
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess.
The husband says, “I will love you no matter what it is, tell me.”
So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat cheated.
The husband says, “I can deal with that.”
He takes off her shirt and shouts, “Boy! You are small, but I love you
anyway.”
The husband says, “I have something to confess also.”
She says, “No matter what I will still love you.”
He says, “Okay. I am built like a baby down there.”
She says, “I can deal with that.”
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she
finally gets up.
She says, “I thought you said you were built like a baby?”
He says, “Yeah….7lbs, 21inches.”
Jan 30
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very
concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening
all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this
had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door
holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the
young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door
and the lad said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flow. We’re going to the
show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their
way.
The next lad arrived and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty,
we’re going to get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay
too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started
off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck… –” and the farmer shot him.
Jan 30
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for
trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge
called in duck number one and said, “What where you doing in the pond after
midnight?”
“I was blowing bubbles.” The judge then called in duck number two
and asked him the same question. “Judge, I was blowing bubbles.”
He then called in duck number three and said, “So let me quests — you were
blowing bubbles too?”
“No, I’m Bubbles.”
Jan 30
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the
doctor, he says,” How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancée is still a virgin in every way.”
The doc said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep
it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an
impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night
in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, “You’ll be the first, no one
has ever touched these breasts.”
He whips down his pants and says, “Look at this; it’s still in the CRATE!”
