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You might be a redneck if your daddy…

admin | June 16, 2008

You might be a redneck if your daddy walked you to school and you are both in
the same grade.

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Tasties in a Half Shell

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Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the half-shell

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‘Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!

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Adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin’ Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess y’all red ’bout in skool.
antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan……(v) lukin’ fer hookers (don y’all do this)
cauterize….(v) makin’ eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type
peepul live.
emema……..(n) sumone who ain’t never no frend no how
fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome.
series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles….(n) books of the Bible
tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

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Alabama License Application

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Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: _________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: _________________

Lover’s Name: ________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother’s Name: ___________________
Father’s Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what’s a miles?

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Your’re a redneck if…

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You’re a redneck if…

-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny’s a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.

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The Redneck Capenter…

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Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a moment and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
“A long time. We’re gonna build a house…”

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Three Shots

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Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.

The first redneck says to the other, “If you get lost, fire three shots into
the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.”

After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then
waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest
rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.

The redneck answers, “Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the
hour until I ran out of arrows.”